Respecting Pronouns: A Practical List

Frequently, as someone who uses they/them pronouns, I have been asked by those I care about for a practical list of ways they can work on pronouns and be a better ally to the transgender and gender nonconforming (gnc) people in their lives. This is not surprising, as conversations about gender have been brought to the forefront of the social zeitgeist in the last couple of years. Unfortunately, the blowback and resulting culture war has been intense and discouraging. Respecting pronouns, a straightforward request, has been turned into a horrific media circus, directly impacting the lives of the thousands of trans and gnc folk of all ages. This is tragic, as it is not a stretch to state that using the correct pronouns for someone is suicide prevention. Studies have shown that “Transgender and nonbinary youth who reported having pronouns respected by all the people they lived with attempted suicide at half the rate of those who did not have their pronouns respected by anyone with whom they lived.” Respecting pronouns is as simple as it is complex: something shockingly easy to do, with immense impact on trans and gnc folks.

Being asked for practical advice on making the lives of trans and gnc folks easier is gratifying, as generally I am a solutions oriented person. It has gotten me in a great deal of trouble when my knee jerk response is to try to fix things, without considering that perhaps fixing things isn’t actually what people want from me. However, in the case of being asked, I would like to offer a couple tools that I have known to make using the correct pronouns easier for the people who are trying, but don’t know where to start. So here is my Buzzfeed Style listicle, I hope you can forgive me.

1. Practice! 

This may seem obvious, but practice not just when the person is around but also when they are not. Find someone else in the know (do NOT out anyone) and ask if you can have a conversation that allows you to mess up without causing harm. This can also look like writing short stories or talking to yourself to get it right. It can be a serious journaling experience, or it can be a lighthearted exercise. Your story might look something like this:

Molly went to the store yesterday. They bought themselves bread, milk, and sauerkraut. Even though I think it is gross, this is their favorite food, and I keep my opinions about their eating habits to myself. That said, if they attempt to eat pickled anything in my kitchen, they have another thing coming their way. 

Yes, it can feel silly, but your brain is a muscle, and you can develop muscle memory with language, just as you do with anything else.

2. Make an effort to understand that gender is so much more than pronouns. 

Gender is a lived experience, and pronouns are simply the way some folks reflect their inner experiences outwardly. Trans and gender-nonconforming folks view their genders much deeper than just pronouns, especially considering that our internal narratives rarely include third-person pronouns. If you work to view someone through a nongendered or an alternative-gendered lens, you are far less likely to screw up on names and pronouns. Working to understand the experiences of others can be exceptionally helpful in changing your language use. After all, pronouns are not inherently a reflection of gender but rather a substitution for a noun, usually a name. If the noun is someone's name, you would say, "Molly came into the room" or "They came into the room." You would not say, "Nonbinary came into the room" or "Woman came into the room." And if you do, perhaps you should consider this a rude thing to say, just a thought. 

Degendering, or regendering, someone in your mind is a much more complicated endeavor than just changing your language, but it can hugely influence how you speak and view trans and gnc people in the way they want to be considered. If you use someone's pronouns but still think of them as their gender assigned to them at birth, or the gender they were before, that is not really what they are asking for. As Mercury Stardust says, "you are worth the time it takes to learn a new skill."

However, there is a caveat: trans and gender non-conforming folks do not owe you an explanation of their gender experience. If you know someone well enough that you would be willing to ask other deeply personal questions, then you can ask, but do not expect a response. You may want to phrase this question as "If you are comfortable, would you mind sharing with me a little about how you see your gender (or lack thereof)?" Then, listen to their answer. You owe people respect, regardless of whether you understand one's experience. A lack of understanding does not negate respect.

"Well, Al," you may say, "how am I expected to understand trans and gnc folks' experiences if they don't explain them?" Great question! Please see the next point. 

3. Trans and gnc folks are out there sharing their experiences. Listen to them.

While no two people's experiences of gender are the same, including for cisgender individuals (!!!), there are lots of trans and gnc people already sharing their experiences on the world wide web, on social media, and in writing. Some of my favorites include Alok Vaid Menon (nonbinary), Jeffery Marsh (nonbinary), Laverne Cox (trans woman), Mars Wright (trans man and nonbinary), and Daniel M. Lavery (trans man), but there are so many more! If you love the trans or gnc folks in your life, do the work and prove it. Tuck Woodstock also has a podcast called "Gender Reveal," which has been hugely insightful. As brilliantly stated by nonbinary artist and activist Matisse Dupont,"If you're going to be cis, be cis on purpose." Gender is super cool and worth exploring, for both yourself and the people you care about. It will be easier to gender someone correctly when you take the time to understand them better (while understanding that gendered experiences can and do vary). 

4. Learn how to respond when you mess up.

Trust me, you will mess up. We all do! This does not make you a bad person, just a person that is learning. Often, apologizing can be more awkward for the person who was misgendered than it is for you. Consider hard as to why you are apologizing. Are you apologizing for their sake or because you feel guilty and want to be forgiven? Often the best thing you can do is not apologize using words but work to correct yourself in the moment if you can. This may look like this:

"She- They- are working on the project with Mark. I am excited to see if they do a cool slide transition like last time."

Or, if you don't catch it in the moment, it can look like this:

"She is working on the project with Mark. No, they are working on the project with Mark."

Restating what you said afterward with the correct pronouns can be helpful to both yourself and others. 

If you are corrected, say “thank you,” restate what you said, and move on. The risk of apologizing, especially in the moment, is you can not only call out someone in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable, but also force them into a situation in which they have to forgive you publicly. It is a bad feeling. Try not to do that. 

5. Learn how to respond when others mess up.

Depending on how well you know the person who has been misgendered, you can ask them privately what they prefer. Some people would rather let it slide, and others may ask you to intervene, depending on the situation. If someone repeatedly messes up, it may be worth pulling that person aside, away from the person they are misgendering. It can be as simple as "hey, I noticed that you aren't using ___'s pronouns correctly. If you weren't aware, they use they/them pronouns." In public situations, the best response may be waiting until the person who misgendered someone is finished talking and then restating what they said casually with the correct pronouns. For example:

"She is working on the project with Mark. I am excited to see if she does a cool slide transition like she did last time."

"Yeah, I am also excited to see their slides for the presentation. They are always very creative in the work they present to the company."

Often, you will have to use your judgment. Consider what kind of intervention you would or would not want, depending on the situation. Above all else, do your best not to single out the person that is being misgendered. Trans and gnc folks often already feel othered, do not make it worse. 

Note that, in certain situations, it is unsafe for the person being misgendered for you to correct the person misgendering them. This can include a number of circumstances, such as interactions with law enforcement, people hostile to trans and gnc folks, relatives the person is not out to, and certain employers. In these situations, absolutely follow the lead of the person who may be in danger. 

6. Consider the best way to destigmatize offering pronouns without forcing someone to out themselves.

Many cis folks are trying to be good allies by asking for pronouns; this is great! We love seeing allyship in practice. However, consider that asking someone's pronouns may force them to either out or misgender themselves, depending on the circumstances. A way to avoid this is to offer your own pronouns and leave the space for them to do the same if they feel comfortable. An example is as follows:

"Hi, my name is Jim, and I use he/him pronouns."

Now, you have signaled to the person that they are free to give theirs in return without the added pressure of asking. Going about it this way can also allow for more space for people who are still not sure. 

If you are in a situation where you are writing a questionnaire and don't want to misgender someone, one option is to make the question of pronouns nonrequired, and offer something like this:

"What pronouns would you like used for you in [insert applicable situation]?"

This allows people to put what they are comfortable per the scenario without forcing them to misgender themselves. Don’t assume that this response will be the same in all circumstances.

If you are not trans or gnc yourself, I recommend putting your pronouns in your email signoff or zoom name, if applicable. This can signal that you are a safe space and allows room for trans and gnc folks to also put theirs without singling themselves out. Sometimes, it is the little things that make a big difference. 

In conclusion: 

This is certainly not a comprehensive list and will vary from person to person, so be open to change if someone asks you to do something differently. Offer space for people to speak on their own experiences without assuming that you are right because you once saw it on some random nonbinary person's list. Trans and gnc folks are not a monolith, and respecting people's personal preferences is really what it's all about. 

I would be remiss to end this without reminding readers that using someone’s correct pronouns is the bare minimum, similar to calling someone the correct name, and does not grant you a gold star in allyship. True allyship includes working to restructure the societal structures that systemically harm trans and gnc folks. The Human Rights Campaign reported that trans men and nonbinary or gender-nonconforming people earn 70 cents for every dollar earned by the typical worker, and trans women earn 60 cents to every dollar. Factoring in additional layers of discrimination like race and ethnicity, the numbers are even more bleak. Consider giving money to trans and gnc people directly through mutual aid funds, advocating politically so we do not have to stand alone, and being proactive in your community, making changes before trans and gnc folks have to make accommodations for ourselves. Solidarity, advocacy, and allyship are hard work, but well worth it.